On where I belong…

Today is the first of the 4 nights of camping we will have in Sumatera. The campsite is pleasant enough, by a relatively clean river, with some grass dotted with moo droppings. I guess its forgivable since the rest of the spaces around us are jam-packed with houses and farmland and animals and children…

As usual when the camping groups are announced, I’m like the last kid in the playground line-up. No one wants me. Well, not exactly no one wants me… rather they’ve all got their own cliques going on, so I simply don’t fit in anywhere. This time, again I ‘squat’ at Bongek and Ustad’s campsite, at the edge of their group and contributing to dinner so we have something to makan tonight.

I felt so unwanted when I drove down to the management campsite, and found absolutely no space for me. They even reserved a special space for Zulu and Shahidan, but no space for one measly car. Sigh… I guess that should only reinforce how much I’m not wanted here, regardless of what other distractions that lead me to believe maybe I belong after all.

Its amazing how after 42 days, I began to believe I fit in with these people. I really don’t know where to fit myself, because there is no where I feel welcome. So really, it was all my self-delusion that led me to the conclusion that I might really be a part of the god-damned ‘team’.

Anywho, while all of this shite is going on, I suddenly really miss home. Well, not exactly like a bolt of lightning, but its been building up. Just yesterday, tears fell down my face when I listened to your CD. I just could see you in my mind’s eye, singing along to your selection while driving.

And again today, while feeling left out and unwanted, there was nothing more in the world that I wanted than to be home with you, where I’m actually a part of something meaningful. Again, the pang of missing you hit me smack on my chest, and I just broke down by the riverside while trying to take a shower. It was simply so difficult, all alone in the dark trying to balance in the water and shower and do all the things at the same time. It got so bloody frustrating…

I imagine if one day I got eaten by something, or even if I go missing, they won’t notice till maybe three nights later simply because the messages from home haven’t been coming in.

I guess I just need to hang on a bit more. It will be day 43 tomorrow, so only 15 measly days till I’m back where I really belong. Not here with these fake and two-faced people. Not here with people who think they’re God’s gift to mankind. Not with these people who are so inflated, they might single-handedly float the Titanic from the depths of the ocean.

I belong at home, safe and sound and loved by you. I belong where my cooking is appreciated and loved. I belong where my cats adore me, where my dog thinks I’m a treat dispenser and my tarantulas think I rain magical crickets from the sky, where my gardening club gossips each day about who’s plants are getting bigger. I belong with our friends who can drink enough ‘teh tarik’ to flood Kuala Lumpur in the wee hours of the morning. I belong with Boo, with my stupid advice and brainless banter and cheap gossip. I belong with Adam, with his inscrutable moods and endless ‘intellectual’ speak. I belong with my mum, who loves me with no strings attached. Most of all, I belong with you – where I feel like I’m the most beautiful person on God’s green earth, and that you love me with every atom of your existence…

Missing you, and thinking of you and Kay-El, and where I really belong – Jasmine.


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