On money…

Why is it so, when people have money, they become such different people? It doesn’t matter if its a bit or a lot of money, any money in hand changes a person. It’s worse if the scale of ‘enrichment’ is greater i.e.  completely broke to having RM100, instead of someone with RM1000 getting just RM100 more… You see, the difference lies in spending power. A person with RM 100 instead of zero now has tremendously more spending power, than when he/she was broke, compared to the chap with RM1000 who already has the spending power.

Over the weekend, I had the misfortune of being completely and utterly broke. Being broke means I have no moolah to pay for my own way, and have to depend on the sympathy of others to feed me… For one weekend only, I had no say in what to spend on…

And in that instant, my better/worse half changed. From a lamb to being a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Over RM50, in one weekend, he changed. He became a completely different person… For now, all I will say is that the change was not necessarily for the better… I wondered all weekend, whether I deserved to be treated that way, as for many years, I paid for everything, even for him… Does one weekend of relying on others completely tilt the balances? What about what I’ve spent on over the years? Does it not count for something?

I wonder how I am like, when I come into money… I think that I do not change much, as I try to ‘spread the wealth’ with the people I love… Usually its a small makan-makan, or a small picnic, stocking up on groceries, paying the bills so we can keep having lights and air-conditioning, loading up the toll card, buying cat and dog food, putting aside some money for fuel and eating out…

I hardly ever spend on myself. It’s usually spent on the usual necessities, and paying off utilities I owe, the car and home costs, and occasionally some new underthings to wear, and maybe a pair of discounted shoes… With that said, it only means that my other half is not in any way, commited to any payments at all… It’s always been that way, I earn and pay for everything. If he earns something, it’s bonus, and this month we breathe easier…

I don’t know how long I can keep working my hair off like this. One of these days it would be nice to know that I can lay back and have someone else to depend on, as well. I’m really tired of being the main breadwinner, and I’m really really really tired of standing on my own two feet, with others leaning on me.

When I was younger, much much younger, I used to dream of the time when I’d be living my life with Prince Charming, who’s handsome and would come home promptly at 5pm, and into my waiting arms in a gorgeous home, with three beautiful kids in tow, several dogs and cats and other exotic pets, and me resplendent in a designer frock, spending my days taking care of the kids and home and whatever else that needed caring…

That dream died long ago, together with any dreams of Prince Charming. Reality ain’t so perfect…

I guess I’ve changed myself. Perhaps its the money, perhaps its the work, perhaps its being bitter and jaded after being unhappy for so long… Money does change everyone, after all… Even one who claims to be an unbiased observer…

Wishing on all wishes that one day I’ll be happy with my lot in life, as it’s already too late for dreams to come true – Jasmine.

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