On rage…

Somehow, these past few days, it feels as if my anger has no warning, no fuse, no tolerance. It just blooms into explosion, coming into being, and I just lash out at whoever happens to be in the gunsights. I’ve not lost my head like this in years, and it took me a great deal of self-control to learn to put it away, the anger, into a drawer than I open and close at will.

I cannot, for the love of God, figure out the trigger for these outbursts, and in the aftermath, it is incredibly hard to stop the pounding head and subsequent damages on my loved ones and those surrounding me. It could be hormonal, it could be the stress, it could be the weather, it could be anything…

I apologize, but there is just no stopping it once the floodgates open. Irrevocable, and irresponsible, and inexplicable…

Tomorrow is a new day, and I will find that drawer again, and put it away this time – Jasmine.

On self-preservation…

I wrote the previous post in a haze of depression and anger, and the catharsis has never been better for me. Suddenly, it put things into perspective and gave me clarity of thought. No more encumberances of nostalgia, only moving forward – towards bigger and better things, no?

In retrospect, I realize that some of the thoughts I’ve expressed might hit close to home, and be used against me, as it has been previously. I do not wish a repeat of THAT incident. No, that wouldn’t do at all…

Due to my interest in self-preservation, I have locked the entry, and if you, my dear audience, are interested to read it, please do not hesitate to email me. I suppose if you’re not in possession of my email, and hence wouldn’t be one of my personal friends, BUT still desire to plumb the depths of my thoughts, leave me a way to contact you on the comments page, and I will figure out a way to connect. Ciao!

On motivation and demoralization…

The current position I am in, had always been on a tenuous hold, at best, from the day I started work. I suppose it has everything to do with the fact that I am the boss’ daughter. Nevermind that I work just as hard, if not harder than anyone here to prove my worth. Nevermind that I have given my devotion, loyalty and poured my heart and soul into what I do. Nevermind that on an everyday basis, I know that there are people who dislike (that is too mild, perhaps a better description would be loathe the very sight of my big ass) me working here, and try to undermine, and take advantage of me at every turn.

And yet, I choose to fight everyone left, right and center to remain here. Why I wonder, if the pay isn’t all that great, and that every year I leave my loved ones behind for an intensive and extensive lesson in stress management and mind-bogglingly tiring travel. Don’t forget too, that the ‘wonderful’ time of the year for the travel, is usually extended, and every year without fail, I will have a massive argument with my significant other, and feel depressed about leaving the furkids behind again, for two months at least, again… And to think that I have no career progression here to boot!

I would like to think that I have contributed to their success, although that is NEVER mentioned, and that fact is never appreciated or acknowledged. I am treated just like any other low-level employee. When I do try to make a change, or make a decision, it is seen as going against the grain, and it is never approved of… So you see, how would one improve one’s career progression by forever being a lackey?

This morning was a terribly depressing one for me. I was told to think of finding another position, yet again (this is not the first time, and I don’t feel like brushing this one off). I suppose its because the boys dislike me. I would have thought that they would have grown more mature over the years and learnt to be professional at the very least, if not cordial to me. On my part at least, I have made the effort to make easier on them, and not get in their hair too much, and just be professional. We are all working here, right? So why be petty? And why keep the Malay mentality of playing politics in the office? Yes, I take offence, because I am always the target.

I have always held the principle that what doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger. And honestly, if you were in my shoes, you’d be invincible by now, considering that I’ve been left for dead several times already. *sigh*

I suppose I should not hold a grudge, and move on. After all, I have learned skills that I would not have been able to pick up, had I been attached anywhere else – especially how to deal with all sorts of people, regardless of how good, or badly they treat you. And this job has taught me the value of infinite patience, the virtue of listening, and that it is not possible, in a Malay-based company anyways, to get anywhere without politiking or stabbing someone in the back, preferably until they are dead on the ground and no longer twitching.

Just as my significant other, now a corporate-savvy tech leader says, that I should look at it as a stepping stone to further my career. And I realize now that it’s about time that I learn to let go of my childhood dreams of getting paid to travel, and settle down. I am not getting any younger, and have had my fair share of seeing the world. 🙂

All this stress could not be worth the travelling, which I suppose I could do when I’m rolling in my own dough, and stress-free travel it will be…

Spending the day job-hunting – Jasmine.