On boredom…

Bored.

That is all I’ve been feeling today. Bored of work, of home and everything else. Methinks time for a break, away from everyone and everything. But getting away means spending moolah, which I don’t think I could afford right now. And the only time to un-bore would be the weekends, but this weekend Giraffe isn’t here and I will be even more bored out of my wits.

For today I’ll settle with doing the whole hamster routine at the gym. Maybe I need to run off some of this boredom and melancholy.

Boredom. It can really kill a mind, wouldn’t you say? – Jasmine.

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On mundane-ness…

Had an ordinary, mundane weekend… A jazz outing that turned out to be quite dissapointing on Friday night, which spilled over into Saturday that was just that – mundane. Cleaned the house, had dinner with a favourite aunt, and the weekend just spilled over into Sunday… Which was even more mundane that Saturday!

Woke up, had a boring breakfast, then off to Mum-in-laws house, a quick Ikea run, then back home for more mundane-ness… Trying to read a book that I’ve probably read a dozen times before. A chocolate sundae from the Golden Arches which just refused to cooperate with me – first no spoon, then it spilled onto my t-shirt in the car on the way home, then spilled on the sofa while I tried to eat it the second time… I’ll have my revenge, you damn sundae (which is sitting and plotting to conquer the world in the freezer as we speak).

As you can see, I had a mundane weekend. The most interesting thing was the damn sundae ‘incident’. Went up to sleep, then discovered, I missed my meds, again. Perhaps that is what is making me feel awfully ‘down’ this weekend?

*sigh*

Promise to have a better weekend next week. Oh wait, my favourite Giraffe isn’t going to be around… Another boring weekend is most likely in the works… 😦

Thinking of ways to spruce up my weekends – Jasmine.

ps – I know I overused the word mundane. But that is what it is, right? A literary style to convey the message that I am uninspired? And lets not forget, mundane?

On stupidity…

We encountered a bunch of fellas who were truly of the stupid kind last night. And I am not proud to say that they were Malay boys, on top of that Kelantanese… *sigh*

Why do they choose to overblow a small misunderstanding into a huge brouhaha is beyond me. That was all it was, a stupid mistake in judgement, followed by more stupid decisions taken before the brain’s train of thought had a chance to board. Thankfully, it did not escalate any further that it could have, which would have been an utterly unpleasant affair.

And they say Malay boys are the ones who need the most help, who don’t get the opportunities they deserve bla bla bla. Why not try to get out of the damn rut, and make your own way? Instead of picking on people, talking cock as if you’re the king of the world and behaving like a gangbanger, try holding down an honest job, be polite and beradab and make it so one would be proud to be Malay.

As someone much older and wiser once told me, people are always watching, all the time, everywhere. Never let down your guard. Never leave your manners at the door, and always always learn humbleness and humility, and be tolerant. No matter how stupid or rude other people are, you cannot go down to their level. Ever.

Someone is watching, and making an impression of you, and it might not ever change. So when the opportunity comes, they would probably pass you by, because of these earlier mistakes whether they be innocent or otherwise. Why burn your bridges before you even come to them?

This is precisely why, I am NOT proud to be Malay – Jasmine.

ps – Thank you Giraffe, and the-one-in-pink, for keeping your heads screwed on right.

On durian ice-cream…

I cannot remember the last time that I had good durian ice-cream. Perhaps once in my life that we tried it, my Giraffe and I, at Ikano methinks. And that was some time ago… When a newly-minted ‘member of the inner circle’ offered to bring over some of the good stuff for dessert, I wasn’t about to say no in a hurry.

Last night, we had an ordinary dinner at home, with the lovely addition of durian ice-cream, of the fantastic variety. The description of the first spoonful would be…. simply orgasmic… Ya, ya, I know, sounds a little over the top πŸ˜›

But the ice-cream really was yummy – smooth and creamy and utterly durian-ish. The little bits of durian embedded in the silky ice-cream was just a wonderful juxtaposition of textures and flavours. By that time, it was already the second pile of Durian-flo I was digging into!

Enjoying my third helping of durian ice-cream, I realized that it wasn’t the ice-cream that I was relishing, but rather the company of the people who I love most, who share these ordinary, but special moments with me. That is what that makes life worth living, good company and good food, and feeling good at the end of the day… Corny but true. Can’t be helped, all of us at one time or another, have a Hallmark moment…

Thinking of the ice-cream waiting for me at home – Jasmine.

ps – Thank you, the-one-in-pink dearest, for bringing over the delightful stuff πŸ™‚

On mood swings…

Was absolutely off the books again yesterday, just everything and anything made me super grouchy. *sigh* The crazy moody bitch strikes again! My favourite Giraffe was utterly bewildered when he came home from work, to see me in pieces… again…

And my apologies to the people around me who got hit by the shrapnel when I went off… I didn’t mean to be mean as I did, or hurtful in any way. Just being the grouchy, and felt like I couldn’t pull myself out of it.

To give the boy credit where its due, he did cheer me up by taking me out for a fantastic dinner, and we had all of my favourite gastronomic delights, and came home pretty late, even though he had another early morning at work today… Came home, tucked me in, and simply told me, “I love you, even when you’re bouncing of the walls… Don’t forget that.” Thank you sayang, for picking up the pieces and making me whole again.

Just before going to bed, I realized I missed my morning meds, which included one to regulate my hormones, and hence the crazy bitchy mood swings as well… Ah well, I better remember today, or not its going to be another rollercoaster day, ehh?

Looking forward to Durian Ice-cream for dessert tonight πŸ™‚ – Jasmine.

On envy…

Had lunch with people who are newly in love today, and I couldn’t help but feel that I am being left out. I suppose that is why my mother-in-law once told me that there are three kinds of people that one should never bother : A person who just got married, a person who just moved houses, and a person who just recently fell in love. They’re not even on the same planet as you are!

Digging deeper, I feel that its not just feeling left out, but also an ache that rises from envy. Envy – because I miss that, the feeling of being in love, the feeling of being adored. I cannot help but notice that he cannot keep his hands off her – whether its her hair or her skin, or just watching the twinkle in her eye.

How he tries so hard to make her happy, and how she leans into him and whispers sweet nothings, and how they share a giggle, while I try my darnest best to imitate a potted plant.

And where am I in all of this? Looking in from the outside, and feeling like I’m lightyears away… It truly is depressing… I know I’ve said it over and over again, different people love differently, and mine must be the old-auntie garden variety kind. Not the romantic, I’ll-get-the-door, never-make-you-wait, you’re-the-priority kind, but I suppose I must learn to be thankful for what I have.

I know where I stand, and gracefully take my leave. From now on, no more piggybacking on lunches or anything of that sort. No more invites to picnics or outings. No more yumchas. Its utterly selfish, but I do need to keep my sanity. Its utterly unbelievable, because I truly am happy for the both of you, but you remind me too much of the reality that I live in… And for that, I will make an effort not to be in your litle world, because in it, mine seems a little too flawed…

My apologies, if I have offended you, but it is something that needs to be said – Jasmine.

On poems…

Wrote this sometime ago, but haven’t gotten around to publishing it. Promised my muse that I would when I have a spell of writer’s block… So here goes :

I can’t sleep at night without you

I worry about you

I could waste entire days in dreaming your presence

The world is a better place for me because you’re in it

but a sadder one because I now know what it is I’ve been missing

I ache inside with needs unexpressible, unescapable

I miss the sound of your voice

the touch of your lips, your warmth and closeness

They are outweighed by all the feelings you have awakened in me

I love how you make me feel lovely funny, vibrant, happy

even when I am not any of those things

Really your sleeping breath is sometimes my only comfort in a bleak world of pain

Your soft voice entreating me to feel you across the miles

Reminds me who I am inside the shell of hurts

Your heart opens the window to the brightness of the butterfly inside the chrysalis

I wish I could show you that even when we argue,

even when I stalk away in a rage, tears and fury sparking

I’m still yours, and always will be

Even when I don’t want to be

You drive me crazy a rollercoaster spiral of ups and downs

But someday you’ll hold me and I will know and you’ll feel me and you will know by this same distantly deep belonging that there need never be doubt fear loneliness in either heart ever again – Jasmine.