On choices…

Recently, I was introduced to a man who soon after meeting me, proudly announced that he married his wife of 1 year within four months of meeting her. Now, I’m not against marriage or ‘love at first sight’ or what-have-you, just that in the same breath, the man, who I shall now call ‘Cheapskate’ over his choice of clothes, even more proudly proclaimed that his wife was a virtuous woman…

Again, I’m not against ‘virtuous’ women or religious ones, or those who chose to fall in love after marriage and all that – that is their personal choices and not mine. I just have beef with Cheapskate.

He then asks me, “How long have you been married?” How dare you ask me that. I have only been legally married for a short period of time, but I have been in this relationship for over a decade, and we both have worked hard to make it work – tolerance, equality and respect are high on our list of priorities.

In the same conversation, he proudly said that he spent 30k on his wedding, and it was a huge thing, and big deal for him to have organized everything himself. He even showed me the wedding photos. I suppose I am not a conventional Malay woman, so I wasn’t impressed with the wedding… Even more unimpressive was the wife – she looked completely ordinary and plain…

At the time, it seemed perfectly normal – ultra-mamak, marries another ultra-conservative mamak, who are proud of their values and whatnots…

Fast-forward two weeks down the road, the same man, Cheapskate now tells me that he’s had it all before – the ‘life’ before marriage – relationships and whatnots. And certainly not of the ‘virtuous’ kind. I ask then, why not marry one of those girls who you’ve conveniently left behind after the fun and games? He answered, because you need a different kind of woman to have a family with.

My instant reaction is, what the f**k? Its right for you to screw around, sleep around with girls before, then suddenly, you want to get married to an innocent and naive girl, who’s never had carnal knowledge and what-not before? He also proudly says that his wife takes care of him – cooks, cleans and organizes his days after she comes home from work…

What happened to equality and respect for women? So those girls before marriage, they were ‘entertainment’ and not worthy of your undying love and affection? The mother of your children, who will feed you and iron your clothes must be a simple girl who thinks the world of you? And what happens to those women who ‘know the worldly ways’ once you’ve left them?

Certainly, a double standard is being applied here – date a woman who is willing to sleep with you, and give you room to breathe and grow your career, but marry a naive woman who believes your word and happiness is the law. I suppose I’m angry with Cheapskate, because he embodies, to me at least, all that is wrong with the typical Malay or Muslim men – it’s OK for me to have fun, but my wife must be a goody-two-shoes. Oh, don’t forget, virginal too on the wedding night. Nevermind that I’ve had my threesomes and what nots.

I’m just wondering – how do they make a connection, and decide to marry a person after only knowing them for four months? And then, since the man has experienced the joys of unencumbered carnal pleasures, will he then settle for the bread-and-butter ordinariness of the wife (who due to being virtuous, might not be so open to unconventional ideas in bed?) And then, when they hit their forties or later, will they find a mistress who will stimulate them mentally and physically?

I cannot imagine being such a woman. Even worse, I cannot even fathom the idea of spending my life with someone like that. And I have pretty much lost my respect for Cheapskate, although it is something I need to have to function well at work. I hope it works out well for them… 

Telling myself that work is separate from personal life – Jasmine.

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