On life…

I last looked in to this blog over six months ago… My last post was in July of 2009, and its already February of 2010. Plenty of happenings since then, but somehow or rather, they got lost in the train of thoughts that are clamoring for attention in the limited real estate of my head.

So, let’s get straight to it, and dive into a quick list of happenings :

– Left the job that was making me miserable, took a short break then went back to work for another short stint, and now back to working from home. Seems to be the most suitable solution for me right now 🙂

– Working on a bunch of potential projects, and they are all looking good… God has been kind to me…

– Turned 30 this year, into my third decade on God’s green Earth, and looking forward to more good times ahead.

– Been actively trying to conceive since June or July last year… But no luck, or rather ‘rezeki’ yet…

And there we are, a super short overview of what’s been happening. With that out of the way, I can start on why I’ve decided to return to blogging – my catharsis for my worries and fears, even achievements and proud moments, and more often than not, a place where I lay out the jumbled thoughts in my head for all the world to see.

Anywho, we’ve been trying to conceive, my hubby and I, before I get too old… Or at least, that seems to be my main excuse. In all honesty, I do want to have children with the love of my life, and let’s face it, I ain’t getting any younger. We’ve been able to conceive twice, and both times, I miscarried in the first trimester.

That on its own, coupled with my hypertension problem, is not something unusual. From the start, I have been expecting that it would be a difficult journey for me, to be a mother. Many reasons abound – our extended family dynamics, odd working hours of my beloved, my physical and mental condition, financial stability and what nots.

The last miscarriage happened just over three weeks ago, and it saddened me deeply. To know that I carried a life within me for the short time that he or she was with us, and to know that we would never know his or her potential, breaks my heart. People say God moves in mysterious ways, and it took time for me to accept that it is probably for the best.

My mum told me, that God is supremely kind and that He will not test you with an unbearable burden… Reflecting on her thoughts, I feel that God may have overestimated me, or perhaps the right way to look at it would be – I am indeed tougher than I think I am. *sigh*

How does one express love and affection to something that is not tangible, not known and not quantified? And yet, I felt a strong connection to the ball of cells reposing and growing inside me. It is even harder for me to accept, and move on from the loss, as I feel that the same applies – it is hard to accept a loss that is not tangible to eye and mind, as my love for an unborn child that I have lost without ever having the chance to touch and feel and know… this soul that was nothing more than a blue line on a test strip on a Monday morning… *sigh*

I feel a pang of anger, and envy at those people who effortlessly breathe life into this world. I often ask myself, are my sins to numerous and unforgivable, that that there is a possibility I will not have children of my own? I iterate over and over again, that God has been kind and loving to me, and I suppose I must put faith where it is due, and let the Fates have their way. Perhaps it is not yet my time to experience the miracle of life.

For the time being, I suppose I will continue to amuse myself by dreaming about the things I would like to do when I do have a child to call my own. And continue to inwardly think that my children, when they have been born of course, will be better behaved than those brats sitting at the next table. And they will be beautiful people, and smart too,  and well mannered to boot. And that my soulmate will be loving and patient and understanding and devoted to me when I am carrying his child. And continue to look in on all those sales – on prams and cribs and cots and what nots…

And then of course, there is the story on the eerie happenings that have been taking place right in our very homes… Till the next rant, au revoir!

Thinking of the endless possibilities on their names tonight – Jasmine.